Viridiana

I just got back from class (Influence of Cinema at PCNW) and I feel it's a class I'll remember for a long time. Our assignment for this week was to take inspiration from Viridiana, a very progressive Spanish film by Luis Bunuel. In Viridiana, a novice nun (named Viridiana) is sent to spend a few days with her uncle who wishes to marry her. As she is committed to a religious life, Viridiana rejects his advances and plans to return to the convent. In desperation her uncle plans to drug and rape her, hoping that if she can't go back to the convent she'll stay with him. The uncle puts the plan in action and he is literally on top of the girl when he realizes what a monstrous thing he is doing, he stops, but still leads Viridiana to believe that he did the dead.

We saw some great work tonight, lots of beautiful lighting and good explorations of Viridiana's struggle, but there was one image that blew all others away an astonishingly beautiful full nude of a woman in a crucifixion pose on a black sheet, it was a self-portrait and the classmate had been raped about a year ago.

I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with rape; I think I can wrap my brain around it, feel the edges, but it remains such a theoretical concept that I'm at a loss for a proper understanding. I try to imagine the betrayal and lingering fear, the insecurity and self-loathing, but that still feels disconnected and incomplete, like reading about a painting. Now, having seen her self-portrait, I think I understand how she relates to the incident; the dramatic use of negative space, so the body just floats there in a void, at once spoke of confidence, a challenge for acceptance, and also vulnerability. In one image I started to appreciate how she felt about something I don't understand.

As much as I admire the photographic skill that went into creating such a strong and expressive piece, it's the openness and intimacy that's driving me crazy. I've always had a problem being honest about my feelings, I keep everything inside only showing the ripples of the shit that's really going on, and to show my real fears and insecurities in a photo for all to see is an incomprehensible level of vulnerability for me.

Tonight I showed a competent photo of Leo in a thoughtful moment, but really it was a cop-out, I didn't let myself really consider what Viridiana was going through because to creatively explore the real emotions and events in the movie would be too emotionally difficult for me and would require a level of personal honesty that terrifies me. I should mention that instead of "terrifies me" I nearly wrote "I am incapable of" or "would bring my world crashing down".

Our next assignment is Lost In Translation, I have some ideas and they all feel like a cop out. Like many art students, I feel like a fraud.