Lost In Translation, initial thoughts

This week's assignment is Lost In Translation, another film I love, I've watched it 4 or  times in the last week. It's beautifully shot, very soft light, like perpetual twilight but with beautifully vibrant colours. It's somewhat tempting to shoot this assignment in colour, but I don't have time to shoot and develop colour film and digital prints are just really unfulfilling.

I can't decide whether I relate to Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) or Bob (Bill Murray) more. Charlotte is lost because she doesn't know what she wants out of life, she has no direction and she has no passion. She's got a degree in Philosophy but essentially she could do anything she wanted, if only she wanted something. Bob has lost all control over his own life, he has photographers, directors, minders and his wife demanding things of him all day every day and for most of the film never asserts his own wishes. It's like he's got what in may ways is a wonderful life but one where everything he does is for someone else, a life without freedom.

I guess I feel like a hybrid. On the one hand I feel like I can do whatever I want, I have good savings, I'm a smart guy with a lot of skills and no ties so the world is open to me, but I really don't know what would make me happiest, I started trying to think about this in October, I'm still thinking and I'm still confused. At the same time it seems I like could do whatever I want, I feel stuck, I've the inertia of a comfortable life in Seattle, and the constraints of a visa that ties me to a single employer and prevents me from exploring sidelines like photography. Any significant change I want to make would mean giving up my job and my life in Seattle which is an enormous cost.

I think I want to explore this idea of paralysis and obligation, perhaps in a diptych to represent the two personalities, though I don't know if I'd prefer an abstract still life or a conceptual portrait.

The other aspect of the film I'm considering is more of a cinematic narrative, a more literal reaction to the film. Charlotte and Bob bonded because they were looking for intimacy in a lonely world, which could be a really nice mood to try and capture, the idea of intimacy in a lonely setting.
On a related note, whenever I watch this film I remember going to Japan two years ago with Ben and Anton. One night Anton stayed home and Ben and I went out on the town. Lost In Translation is Ben's favourite film of all time and he was eager to stay in the Park Hyatt so we went to check prices. At 3am. After talking to the receptionist we looked around, the hotel is beautiful and at 3am it was deserted, we wandered the halls, snuck into the deserted restaurants and bars. It felt like we were living in a different city to everyone else.

A dream about photography and beer

I had a crazy dream last night, PCNW and Bauhaus were the same place, it was like the lobby and one wall of pcnw were replaced with the book wall and all the seating from Bauhaus. They had a beer and photography and beer festival so all the books were replaced with glasses and rare beers, while the dark rooms were replaced with wide open windows and tables where great photographers were talking and imparting wisdom. It was another impossible building which is a signature of my dreams, rooms transforming in front of my eyes as soon as I step into them etc. Tom was there opening presses containing the rare beer and looking through it, a really special beer nearly fell and I freaked out. Then I was helping with the music though there was someone else there who was playing a competing playlist and I just got frustrated and gave up.

I couldn't find my camera, though all the cameras I own were dotted across all the tables. I went on a field trip and I think I found myself with like 30 other photographers on a staircase, I think the staircase may have been the one from the Kane building in UCC. I said something insightful, possibly about light and shadow.

Then I found myself in pioneer square with Jahnavi and I walked her back to the gallery, we were walking up some street towards first hill and when we turned a corner the area was suddenly a bright and sunny housing estate, we passed a church and I threw something at it. I think it might have been a toy camera, maybe my Vivitar.

Viridiana

I just got back from class (Influence of Cinema at PCNW) and I feel it's a class I'll remember for a long time. Our assignment for this week was to take inspiration from Viridiana, a very progressive Spanish film by Luis Bunuel. In Viridiana, a novice nun (named Viridiana) is sent to spend a few days with her uncle who wishes to marry her. As she is committed to a religious life, Viridiana rejects his advances and plans to return to the convent. In desperation her uncle plans to drug and rape her, hoping that if she can't go back to the convent she'll stay with him. The uncle puts the plan in action and he is literally on top of the girl when he realizes what a monstrous thing he is doing, he stops, but still leads Viridiana to believe that he did the dead.

We saw some great work tonight, lots of beautiful lighting and good explorations of Viridiana's struggle, but there was one image that blew all others away an astonishingly beautiful full nude of a woman in a crucifixion pose on a black sheet, it was a self-portrait and the classmate had been raped about a year ago.

I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with rape; I think I can wrap my brain around it, feel the edges, but it remains such a theoretical concept that I'm at a loss for a proper understanding. I try to imagine the betrayal and lingering fear, the insecurity and self-loathing, but that still feels disconnected and incomplete, like reading about a painting. Now, having seen her self-portrait, I think I understand how she relates to the incident; the dramatic use of negative space, so the body just floats there in a void, at once spoke of confidence, a challenge for acceptance, and also vulnerability. In one image I started to appreciate how she felt about something I don't understand.

As much as I admire the photographic skill that went into creating such a strong and expressive piece, it's the openness and intimacy that's driving me crazy. I've always had a problem being honest about my feelings, I keep everything inside only showing the ripples of the shit that's really going on, and to show my real fears and insecurities in a photo for all to see is an incomprehensible level of vulnerability for me.

Tonight I showed a competent photo of Leo in a thoughtful moment, but really it was a cop-out, I didn't let myself really consider what Viridiana was going through because to creatively explore the real emotions and events in the movie would be too emotionally difficult for me and would require a level of personal honesty that terrifies me. I should mention that instead of "terrifies me" I nearly wrote "I am incapable of" or "would bring my world crashing down".

Our next assignment is Lost In Translation, I have some ideas and they all feel like a cop out. Like many art students, I feel like a fraud.